Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I understand Curling. That high.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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