Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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