I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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