she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
