We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
