I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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