Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
