My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
