do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
