And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
