Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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