The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
