proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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