i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just gargled with NyQuil
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
