Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
