I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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