Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
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