I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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