Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
