Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
