For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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