Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
