what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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