dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
