New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
