eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
