Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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