i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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