I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
