I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
