Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
