Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
