guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
