are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
