I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
