just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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