There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
