mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
