FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Operation Purity has been aborted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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