the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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