I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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