You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
