glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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