You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
