Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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