Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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