I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
this boner is exhausting
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
