I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
