maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
