paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
this boner is exhausting
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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