1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Only a mothe r could love this liver
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Couch. On fire.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
