i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I party with great urgency now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
