I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
