youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
