Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
