you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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