Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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